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Dealing With Conflict at Your Childs Wedding


For most of us a childs wedding is the celebration of a lifetime. He or she is in love and on cloud 9, and everyone is all a-dither having fun with the wedding plans. At the same time, everybodys stress level is way up; expectations are high, and there are plenty of opportunities for conflict. You want this to be your childs special day, and you dont want conflict to cause problems, so you need to know how to deal with the situations that can come up.

Your Child

Heres how you deal with 99% of the wedding conflicts you will have with your child: back off. Its his or her day, the wedding couple is the center of attention, and they get to have things the way they want it. Your role is to support and help, shell out money, and smile. This time, you are serving them. If your feelings get hurt, talk to someone who is not involved with the wedding, but dont let it affect the wedding. As Dr. Phil says, choose to be the hero, and let it go.

A few conflicts must be dealt with; usually this has to do with how much money mom and/or dDad will spend on the wedding. This is your decision, so set your budget and communicate it clearly and then hold to it. Allow the wedding couple to make changes in how the money is spent but not on how much money you will contribute. For instance, if youve agreed to spend 0 on the reception, and they decide they would rather use that money toward the honeymoon, let them but dont give them more money for the reception. Communicate your limits clearly, but with kindness and grace, and refuse to argue about it after that.

Your Spouse or Ex

Even if youre currently married to your childs other parent, and youre madly in love with him or her, the stress around a childs wedding provides fertile ground for conflict. You also have some normal developmental things to deal with that go with marrying off a child, such as loss losing a child, a role, a relationship, a stage of life. These will all be replaced with something better, but most of us still experience at least some degree of loss.

The best way to deal with these conflicts is to make your marriage, not your childs, your priority. Schedule extra time for you and your spouse to connect and do things together. Talk through your concerns and feelings. Nurture and support one another.

If you are not currently married to your childs other parent, then theres a potential for serious conflict, especially if you do not get along together. Anticipate and prepare for these problems, keeping in mind that your childs wedding, not your failed relationship, is the priority. The first step is to talk openly and honestly with your child and his/her partner about it. Do they want step-parents at the wedding? What part do they see each parent or step-parent playing? Do they have concerns about how you and your ex will act? Listen non-judgmentally and without being defensive, and ask them what they would like to see happen.

Give them as much of what they want as you can, and if they want things that you cannot give, respectfully tell them that. Dont explain or make the other parent a villain, simply offer thoughtful suggestions. For instance, if your son wants you and your ex to sit together in the front row, and its just more than you can manage, you might respectfully suggest that each of you sit at an end of the first row, with grandparents between you. As much as possible, though, put your own feelings aside and do whatever it takes to make your childs wedding special. You may have to negotiate with your ex to make sure that your conflict doesnt make it into the wedding. You may even need a mediator to help you work things out. If thats what it takes, do it.

Your Future In-Laws

Honestly, most conflicts between the wedding couples parents have to do with control issues. The grooms mother wants to do one thing, and the brides mother wants something completely different. Most if these wedding conflicts are between the moms. There are several ways to deal with them:

* Remember whose wedding it is, and put the kids interests first.
* Communicate. Go out for coffee and talk about it. You may find a way to compromise, or you may find that youre not so far apart on the issue after all.
* Be the hero. Be willing to lose for the sake of your child. Its just not worth winning if it adds stress to your childs wedding.

You want your childs wedding day to be perfect, but sometimes thats too much to ask. If you are willing to communicate, compromise, and most importantly put the wedding couple first, then the wedding will be everything they want it to be.

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